i've been seeing all these eloquent "goodbye 2011, hello 2012" posts where people wrap up the year in words and pictures and then go on to describe how they want to live out 2012. it's inspiring, encouraging, and like many of you, i have spent time processing the end of one year and the beginning of another.
and i wish i could say i had all these resolutions or ambitions for the year ahead, but frankly i just keep coming back to one thing.
i am tired.
it isn't like this "i'm tired, scooter. can i sleep in tomorrow?" kind of exhaustion. i've tried that. it's like this exhaustion from life. and i feel that in all aspects and areas, i am just a tired person. i'm a tired wife. i'm a tired mother. i'm a tired friend, daughter, sister, blogger, employee. but most of all, i'm a tired daughter of the Lord.
i lose my patience easily. i get my feelings hurt more quickly. i snap at my husband faster. i have more anxiety over things that i don't need to be anxious about. i could blame this on my raging pregnancy hormones. and i'm sure some of what i'm feeling is from that. but more than anything, deep down inside my heart, i am just tired.
i feel like i've entered this stage with miles that is hard. it is hard work every single day to be diligent in my parenting, my consistency, my discipline. and a lot of days, i stare at him without a clue in my mind of what to do next. i've heard this is normal around this age: they can't communicate but they understand so much now. i am learning so much every day; i feel like at times i just can't keep up.
there are still boxes that are unpacked and pictures that aren't hung. we have a baby girl coming in just a few short months (i can't even believe how fast time is flying) and i have barely given her room one thought. we have amazing ideas for new things in the shop that i'm so excited about. and there are areas that i know the Lord wants to work on and grow me in (learning how to have boundaries and keeping them is one huge thing i know the Lord would love to teach me) but i just haven't opened up my heart to him yet.
when i read this sporadic, scattered post, i think the above sentence is the heart of the matter. and i know the solution is just so easy. open up my Bible. sit in a chair by myself and the Lord. pray without ceasing. simple, right? for some reason, i've let it become hard. and in return, it has made me exhausted.
i read this post this morning about choosing a word for the new year. and i'm not really that kind of girl. but for some reason, i felt this pull to one word:
i want to change my attitude and become different because of it. i want to stop being tired. and start being refreshed. as a mom. as a wife. as a friend, daughter, sister, employee, blogger. but most of all, i want to be refreshed in my relationship with the Lord. because i feel that once i am refreshed with him, all my other worries and fears and anxieties will start to become easier hills to climb.
so for 2012....i am choosing to be refreshed in the Lord. there are big things on the horizon. fun things. life changing things. potentially tiring things. but i believe that with the Lord i can still feel refreshed in the midst of exhaustion. it takes a lot of work to make Him first and let everything else fall into place. but that is my goal for 2012. you read it here first.
care to join?