Wednesday, March 21, 2012

best pals.

i feel like i've started this blog post 87 times in my head and 24 times in blogger.
i'm not meaning to be overly dramatic or emotional or hormonal.
i feel like i've been thinking about this and processing it for almost 9 months now
 and the closer it gets to baby girl arriving, the more i wonder and worry and think.
this could explain the mute button being semi-pushed on this blog here.

for 21 months, my boy has been pure sunshine to my soul.
when i hear his little voice call us in the morning when he wakes up - no matter how tired i am or how hard the day before was with him - joy fills my heart and i can't wait to see his smiling face.
every laugh, every cry, every good day and every bad day have each been a new adventure for me.
and every day i strive to be a better person because of my sweet boy.


and for 35 weeks, i've been scared and fearful about how things are supposed to look now.
i was hoping that with each day, i would feel more ready, more prepared. 
but instead, i feel rushed - like there's not enough time for just me and him.
and in those hard moments where i feel like pulling out my hair - which, if i'm being completely honest, have been quite a few lately - i'm even more scared because i feel like time is slipping away from me and i don't know how to stop it or hold onto it.

there's this thing that he started doing every morning. 
and i'm not sure if it is because he knows something's about to change, 
or if it is just because he wants his mama. 
and usually he catches me when i'm thinking about the meat i need to go defrost or when i'm just about to put on my mascara. 
he'll just climb on the couch, sit as close as he possibly can to me, and put his hand on my leg.
and the task part of me wants to rush off and take out that meat or blow dry my hair.
but the heart part of me melts and all of the sudden nothing else matters.
and in those moments i wonder if we'll still be able to sit like that watching matt lauer on the today show.
or if it will forever be different.
i'm just not sure i'm ready for it to be so different.

don't get me wrong. this could all easily be misunderstood.
i am so excited to meet my baby girl.
i cannot wait to see her face. meet her, hold her, kiss her, understand her.
she is part of me, after all.
and with each passing day that we get closer, i get more antsy, more excited, more ready for her to join this little family of ours.
and maybe once she's here, i'll understand that things don't really have to change that much.
and that my relationship with miles will just look a little different.


but since i don't know any different yet, this process is scary for me.
there's no one else i'd rather spend my day with.
today at lunch, this cute little lady told me his smile lights up the whole room.
it made my heart burst with pride and it is true. it does light up the whole room.

i know i'll look back on this blog post in a few months and tell myself i had nothing to worry about.
but for now, i'm just left wondering and processing how it will look come 5 weeks down the road.
i already love my baby girl so, so much. 
my heart will just have to double in size, i guess. 

17 comments:

  1. you're gonna do great.
    it's going to be great.
    miles and miss thang are going to love you. and love each other.
    and you will love them both. :)


    and that hand thing is so stinking cute. :)
    i bet he knows something is up, and taking time to savor each moment as an only. :)

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  2. Those fears are so real. I remember that panicked feeling I had before Selah. And you are right, your heart is going to burst and have no walls. There will be so much room for both of your little sweets. Hold onto those little gems, like the hand thing, it will remind you of that connection you still have.

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  3. sniff. now i'm all teary eyed. why'd do you have to make me cry, you big meanie?

    i can't wait for you to see how this big picture unfolds. because. i know my katygirl. that heart of yours has already doubled in size putting up with me. love you! can't wait to nurse cammie. uh. kidding. don't want anyone here to think we are really weird or something.

    you are gonna refuse to publish this. aren't you.

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  4. Dg. We all know that I am going to nurse cammie and pdids at the same time. It will be their first date. Kind of like a milkshake with 2 straws if you will. Omgosh. Hahahaha.
    Katy I remember those feelings so vividly. I love your heart. And somehow it really does double and there is room for everyone. Love you!

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  5. ew ew. i just threw up in my mouth a little. hahahahaha. bunch a freaks.

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  6. i concur. my little lady is almost 22 months old and i'm 28 weeks pregnant with a boy... which is why i love reading your blog. :) i wrote a similar post of my own when my daughter hit 18 months. my mom commented that after your second child is born, you won't be able to imagine life without him or her, because they become just as much a part of you as your firstborn. that little piece of advice has helped calmed my own anxieties over how this transition will go down. blessings to u!

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  7. oh i can so relate to you, sweet momma. it was really hard to process prior to story's birth and because i was hospitalized after her birth, that caused a little wrinkle in things with wilder. i just laid there in the hospital bed calling out his name..yearning for him. it really, really broke my heart. it didn't mean i didn't love story. it just meant i wanted my best friend.
    and she wasn't to best friend status yet.
    now i have 2 bffs.
    lucky me.
    lucky us.
    praying for and adore u.

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  8. this all makes sense to me. valid fears, girl!
    i'm mama only to one, so can't totally relate, but i know.
    i know jesus, and YOU know him, too. he will blend that girl right on in, then you'll have two best pals. and it'll be incredible. lots of new LOVE is coming to you soon!

    praying for you. also, i adore you.

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  9. i totally understand because i felt the same way before piper were born. man, did i worry, worry, worry about it. but trust me on this one...even though it's hard to believe, i promise that baby girl is going to make your relationship with miles even more magical. when you see him loving on her, well...it's going to make your heart explode with joy. pinky promise.
    xoxo

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  10. i think we all feel this way right before a new baby. i know i did. it was a gripping fear. with lots of tears. and yes, life is different. but a good different. all i can say is, don't feel bad about your thoughts. or bad about spending every last second with your baby boy. time is so fleeting, you know? and he'll prolly only remember life with a little sister. so weird. soak it all up, girl! ahhhh!!!! she's coming! she's coming! i'm so excited for you. you're going to do great! i just know it. love you!

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  11. The special thing about having two precious littles in your life is that they'll each have a their own little connection with you. That spot on your lap will always be his even if it is the left instead of the right. My girls know that there's room for both and you'll learn too. Having two will make that big heart of yours grow even bigger than you imagined. You're going to be just fine.

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  12. I could have easily written this post myself...I had the exact same feelings/fears as you. they are true & they are valid feelings. I often thought, "how am I ever going to love a child as much as I love Maddox?" believe me...something amazing happens when that 2nd child is placed in your arms. your heart swells & everything seems right in the world! Miles will become a wonderful big brother & one day you'll look at him & think, "what was I worried about?"

    I love your honesty :) xo

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  13. I totally felt the same way before my little lady was born. But it's true what you said..your heart will double in size...it's crazy! Watching Miles love on your baby girl will be so incredible & your heart will just grow for both of them.

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  14. i get you. but don't worry. it's gonna be good. he'll be the best big brother. change always comes with a bit of difficulty, but that's ok. just enjoy, don't stress.

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  15. Oh, I remember those days so well. I'd hold my little boy (22 months at the time) and cry because of the changes I thought were coming. Then our second boy was born, and it's totally cliched and true, your heart just expands exponetially.
    I think the best part about the changes in my relationship with my first son is that I got to see him become an amazing big brother. Now my boys are thick as thieves and adore each other. And they are stellar big brothers to their little sisters.
    Enjoy your days. You put this into words so well!

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  16. Oh I remember those feelings. The feeling of panic. Time does go by quickly. I still feel that way. But now I have 4 best buddies. And I have the pleasure of watching them interact with each other. IT's going to be amazing, and scary, beautiful and tiring...just the way life is supposed to be. xoxo

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  17. Katy, I love the way you write. so genuine and sweet and real.
    I went through these same feelings and emotions. I think every mom does.
    Once she gets here, you will just all of sudden know it works. that God gives us the ability to stretch and grow and make room, and it all just works.
    your an amazing mom, this little girl will be very well loved and so will your son. A new level of love is coming soon. sibling love is so precious.

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