Sunday, September 23, 2012

some thoughts on a sunday.

there are a few things that i'm confident in.

-i'm a good designer but i'm not a good sewer.
in fact, i will never compare to most of my friends' sewing skills and that is okay.

-i am a great decorator but i'm not an awesome dresser.
i can dream up really creative things for my home but i have to look at a picture of an outfit to imagine it.
i've come to terms with it now.

-i'm a good cook, and would be a great cook, if i just wanted to do it more.
but i don't. so we eat a lot of the same stuff.

-i love to sing but i'm really, really bad.

-i don't like to dance because i, quite frankly, am worse at dancing than i am at singing.
basically, there aren't very many people that are worse than me.


the last few weeks i've had this weird internal struggle. i've been jealous, i've been coveting, i've been comparing. it's made me not want to blog. it's made me lose my confidence in designing. it's made me doubt my abilities and my strengths. it's made me care about things that i really, honestly do not care about.
comparing sucks the life out of me.

my body is not the type of body to bounce back after i have a baby. it takes a lot of hard work to fit back into my jeans. i'm a lot more confident this time around, but my mind is always racing, wondering if people think i'm fat and if they notice the flaws i notice.

opening an etsy shop has been so much fun.  i have loved seeing each and every sale pop up and it has given me a great outlet to be creative. the encouragement i have gotten has been unreal and i am so grateful. but there are a lot of artists and graphic designers that are extremely brilliant at what they do and it is HARD to not compare yourself. very hard.

as a mother, i have a lot of insecurities. why isn't my child ready to potty train yet? why does he throw tantrums in the middle of the street when 30 people are watching me? how come i don't remember anything from when miles was a baby? are my children on track? am i disciplining right? why does so and so's baby make it through one church service and mine doesn't?

even in the blogging world...it gets crazy sometimes. do people like what i write about? am i exciting enough? am i real enough? do people like me?

sometimes thoughts like this can be ridiculously exhausting. and i have come to realize that i am really tired of them. and something that keeps coming back to me is the quote:

"comparison is the thief of joy."

it's true, though. at least for me. listen, we are girls. and girls are insecure. it's human nature. but i am tired of letting my insecurities rule me. it's just not who i want to be. i've worked really hard over the last few years to really like who i am and who God made me to be.

a few weeks ago i was texting with my friend and i said something along the lines of, "listen, we all just need to figure out who we are and be that person. you be the best you that you can be, and i'll be the best me that i can be. that's all we can really do is to be ourselves." the thing is, that sometimes i forget who that me is. i want something different...a skinnier version of me that can rock anything in urban outfitters, that can sit down in front of photoshop and bust out a masterpiece in a few hours, that can discipline my child without walking out of the room wondering if i've made a thousand mistakes. someone who knows the bible like the back of my hand and always, always trusts in the Lord and knows his plan is better than my own.

do you ever struggle with this? do you ever wake up and wonder where you went today? i am tired of it. and i'm going to really work on being who i was created and called to be. and that version of me is way better than any other version. i will still be a little insecure....because it's a constant battle with me. but i'm gonna start waking up proud of where i'm at in life. a wife and mom that is so blessed beyond belief. and i bet you anything...when i stop comparing my life with everyone else's, my funk will go away and the joy will come back. joy straight from the Lord. let's do this.

41 comments:

  1. this is my life sometimes (or more than sometimes). i compare always. it makes me either insecure or judgmental or both. it's a constant battle. He is stronger though!!! amen.

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  2. i needed to read that tonight. i so appreciate these words. your second to last paragraph could have easily been words taken from my head (minus the photo shop stuff :). i feel you, and i love your honesty. thanks.

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  3. It is a constant battle in every area of my life...work, social, church, family, blogging, etc. Comparing (and allowing myself to be hurt by issues that I mostly created in my own head) robbed me of SO much joy last year...and it still does at times, but I've tried to shift my thoughts in a positive direction. I had to make a promise to myself to do something about the things that were bothering me (exercise, spend less time in this virtual world, get plugged into a Bible study, and try to let go of the mommy guilt when I don't do everything perfect). It is still a struggle, but not as consuming. You're doing a great job. Life is hard. Everyone has issues...no matter how perfect their blog makes them seem.

    P.S. Aubrey got us paged out of church every.single.week until she was like 2! Now at after-school daycare she tells me to pick her up later because she wants to do the craft. It will get better. :)

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  4. comparison is something i've always struggled with. always. and i was always so busy worried about what other people thought of me instead of truly finding my worth in what Christ thought of what i was doing. the past year i have worked really hard to look my life and think, "am i doing what is best for my family? am i doing what is best for my Lord?" contentment comes when i feel secure in knowing that we are on the path that is best for us, for me, for my walk with Christ. as soon as i let doubt creep in and i try to be everything everyone else is being (or appears to be being...) i fall into a funk of bitterness and frustration. letting go is hard of comparison. but embracing who i am and who God has called me to be for my family at this time is incredibly sweet.

    thank you for being honest. and for being a light for Jesus. i am forever thankful for our friendship.

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  5. I've just started following your blog and I adore you for this honest post. Oh, how I can relate! Thanks for putting yourself out there and helping remind me to fight back against comparing my life and myself to others and just.be.me. :)

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  6. Girl you are singing my song right now. i have been so cup half empty for weeks now and to be quite honest i am sick of myself. i reposted a post from last year because i need the reminder. for some reason everything has seemed so heavy. maybe it's still just too hot here and we've all become delirious.

    being the best version of you IS where its at, and with GODS help we can do it.

    xxO

    p.s. YOU are beautiful inside and out. your blog post are always fab. you have mad design skills. my boys didn't potty train until two months before their third birthday.

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  7. felt like i was writing, this, katy. you said somewhere in this post that you've worked really hard to like who you are and who God made you to be. sometimes i wonder if even a sensitive person like me should be blogging, because when i don't get the response i'm looking for or feel like a post should garner (or at least spike interest), i feel rejected all over again, like when i was as a child...i compare myself with people all the time..i mean, i have two sisters. i want story to grow up confident in Christ, comfy in her own skin.
    so i need to start.
    i am her example.

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  8. i love you.

    and your cat stories.

    now cheer up charlie.
    and go kick some rear.

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  9. Come over for a playdate. I won't judge your rotten kid if you don't judge mine;)

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  10. i think everyone compares their lives to others. i too am a horrible dancer but i think i'm good-same with singing haha. i love your posts about your family and your designing because I could never design and i don't have kids yet. it's like a look into another world. just be YOU because YOU are good enough for HIM

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  11. girl, yes! it's funny how true that quote really is!! thank you so much for this reminder today. i'm working through some of the same things.
    hope you have a super day! :0)

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  12. yeeesssssss!
    i want to be the best me that i can be, too.

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  13. I was just thinking about fear of man in my life. I found myself caring about stuff just because of what others thought, not because I really care. I love reading your thoughts. And I just listened to a sermon about comparison that was so so good.

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  14. Oh my word can i ever relate to this! When God has blessed everyone with so many beautiful gifts, it's hard not to be a little envious of another's talent(s). But in reality, He has given us (you and me!) a talent JUST AS beautiful as those we are envious of. It may not be in the kitchen, behind a sewing machine or computer screen, or even with creativity with our kids on a daily basis (that's one of my biggest struggles), but through Him, we SHINE. Shine on girl, because you are beautiful and I envy your creativity. So there. :)

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  15. Great post babe, really encouraging to me too.

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  16. This never showed up on my reader. I think it was hidden because God knew I needed it TODAY.
    This is kind of the story of my life. What I'm most embarrassed about though is that I mostly compare the physical and am so insecure about my lumpy body. I feel pretty shallow.

    It's a never ending battle to be 'me' but it's not worth giving up on.

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  17. we can all relate to this. Especially when this world throws so much our way to rock our securities. I am beginning to believe a couple things as God stretches me.
    There are always ways we can grow...not to be who i think I should be (because usually I am dead wrong)...but to be MORE of who God created me to be. And Lord knows life and this world can steer us in all sorts of wrong directions. I learn the most from the struggles, trials, etc....and a truth sunk in the other day...life may not ever get easier, less complicated, but it is still blessed, it is still grace, it's still in His hands. I don't thing we can ever achieve (as humans) complete wholeness (no insecurities, no worries, etc).

    Most nights I go to bed thinking I could've done parenting better...in fact I don't remember a night when I have laid in bed and thought "I did a good job today". But having my kids and knowing they love Jesus SO MUCH...teaches me GRACE. My "babies" still love me even when I am stretched too thin, didn't listen enough, or jumped to a conclusion. They know I love my Jesus. They love Him too.

    I compare ALL.THE.TIME! Why isn't my marriage a certain way? Why can't I do everything perfect the way I think I should. my babies are 6 & 9 and my body bounced back and now bounced back to "not so great". Urban outfitters"? what's that? :) I often compare and wish life & marriage was easier but was convicted last week that my life is mine & no one else has it. No one else has my particular past, my current circumstances(good & bad). The timeline for my life is different and God wants it that way. I heard on the radio this week that God's will may be for us to have trials ---- WHA??? That's what I said to the radio....outloud! I have often thought of "blessings" as life getting easier. But truth is...it may not. That's a hard pill to swallow. I may not get thinner, I may not get better at the things I am bad at (and that's a lot of things), my marriage may not get easier, and my kids ARE NOT PERFECT.

    But my life belongs to God. It's in His hands and the more that I can give thanks for His daily Grace (and I swear He had to up the grace production in heaven when I came along!), I realize more and more JUST HOW MUCH I NEED HIM. and in that I am becoming less of who I want to be and more of who HE wants me to be. Focusing on how much we need Him keeps us where we need to be and I daily have to do that to keep my heart and eyes off all the things I am not good at, all teh things that haven't happened, that have happened, etc, etc, etc. We need to be who HE created us to be.

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  18. I love that quote. And I love this post. And you.

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  19. katy.
    i know you consider yourself a bad dancer. but i feel like that picture says otherwise.
    i will have a dance party throw down with you anytime.
    i needed to start there.

    but seriously.
    me too.
    so freaking hard not to compare.
    not to be covetous and jealous.
    and be content on our own side of the pastures.

    so um, this week.
    i will not compare.
    i'll just do me.
    and i'll do me to the best of my ability.
    which isn't much.
    thankfully jesus wants to help me do me.
    so. i'll start there.

    thanks for the encouragement and reminder. love you.

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  20. I want you to be YOU because I love who YOU are! Thanks again for your
    transparency....YOU are a delight....love you oh so much

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  21. i love this. i needed this. this past weekend i had made some notes about a blog post that was on my heart - the comparison trap. you took the words right out of my mouth. maybe i'll get to my version of this sometimes this week.

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  22. well first off your awesome...such an honest post! We all do though..?! I am a very easily guilted person like insanely easily guilted and becoming a mom did not help that at.all. I could play 23 hour out of the day with them and I still go to bed thinking was it enough.!?

    p.s we should be friends in real life we could both totally be really bad dancers and singer together!!

    love this post...thanks for the uplift!

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  23. p.s. potty training jude was going to the end of me. seriously the hardest thing I ever did...I think boys do take longer...but I finally gave up and he did it on his own ( he was close to 3 )

    and losing baby weight is the worst.!~

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  24. Great post, Katy....such a great post.
    Your dancing looked legit, though.
    Just say NO to comparison. I think you ROCK!

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  25. your pose in that picture is AMAZING.

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  26. I just found your blog and I already love it!!!!! :) I've learned to stop trying to figure out who I am and seek to figure out more about the Lord and when we stop looking at ourselves and to Him we feel a lot less insecure!! It just breaks my heart because I know so many of these insecurities all too well! Just keep your eyes on Jesus sweet girl! You're beautiful!

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  27. Thanks you so much for this post...I had almost given up on reading blogs anymore, as I was comparing myself to all the moms out there who get to stay at home. I want to be a stay at home mom so much it hurts sometimes, and this is a great reminder, that I am robbing myself of the daily joys I do have. Thanks again!

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  28. i think that your second comment is pretty much FALSE. in fact i think that you dress yourself up quite cute!!! one of my favorite things about you as my wife is that you try hard to honor me with how you presenting yourself. you look soooooo good, like all of the time, and pretty much put me to shame in that department! i would not change that for the world....
    love u. see i read your blog now and then. ha!

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    Replies
    1. if this was an instagram photo, i would like it.

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    2. best comment i've ever gotten in my whole life.

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    3. oh. i like your husband. this is so nice. and i agree.

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  29. I love you Katy.....and Scott Fults is pretty cute with his comment and such....

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  30. thanks for sharing...love your honesty...i was def encouraged by reading this.

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  31. Hi!
    I'm glad that I popped over to read your blog tonight! Good stuff. I can say, "me too" to lots of that! Thanks for the encouragement to be me!!

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  32. Oh so nice to hear from your husband, yes? That's awesome.
    Katy, I think you wrote this post JUST for me. As I was reading it, I knew it was a sign. I struggle greatly with low self-esteem. Have all my life. That low self-esteem has caused me and my loved ones some awful pain and sometimes I wish I could go back and tell my young (and not-so young) self "Don't do it!!" I have come very far from the girl I used to be and I owe it all to God and His saving grace. I am a different person than I used to be because of Jesus' love.
    BUT, I still struggle every day with low self-esteem. Alot of days I feel worthless and I constantly compare myself to others. I feel like I'm never thin enough, pretty enough, like I never dress well enough. I feel like people (women especially) don't really like me. My husband, of course, thinks I'm nuts. :) I too am tired of feeling like this. I pray every day for the Lord to give me the strength to be all I can be for Him. To do my absolute best in all things for His glory, but sadly I feel I fall short of this. Most days, I just can't get myself going and get things accomplished because I'm so wrapped up in myself. I know I'm rambling. It's because I have so much in my head to say, I just don't know how to say it. I guess I just don't feel good enough, ya know? This post came at the perfect time and I'm going to come back to it and read it often. I'm hoping I can get out of this funk somehow. I know how, it's through Christ. I just don't know how to let Him take hold. Sorry for rambling and making absolutely no sense. Just wanted you to know I think God sent me to your blog today and this post touched me. I'm thinking it's the little push I need to get over myself and concentrate on being the best person I can be.
    Thank you.

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  33. I love the comment you got from your husband. You two are so cute. :)

    And what a wonderfully relevant post that is a great reminder for all of us. I have had my seasons of envy and when they come and go, I refer to that comparison quote. One of my most favorite quotes ever. And one that I'll be sure to place in my classroom for all to see.

    Thank you for writing so truthfully, so beautifully, and so God-centered as well. I really love reading your blog.

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  34. LOVED this. Just found your blog as a link from sugar pumkin. Funny - I wrote a similar one this past week! Thanks for being real.

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  35. well, judging by the comments on this, we ALL struggle with this! you hit it right on the head. :) Everyone else has already said the good stuff, and it's ten in the morning and I've already been up for like five hours and I'm already so tired and my brain is mushy, so I won't bother to wax eloquent.... but it's like your words came straight from my own heart. and I'm so glad you wrote this. God always uses your words somehow!
    and just so you know, your blog is amazing and it's one of my favs and I wish I could be a blogger like you.
    and I ran into you at Target that one day and you looked really really pretty and cute, so don't even tell me you're not a good dresser. psh. :)

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  36. loved this! from another designer - you're not alone! comparing your work is completely draining, but we all do it. this post was so encouraging to me for that reason, thank you :)

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