it seems to be this new thing that everyone's doing. i chose the word refresh in hopes of having this really light-hearted year where i came out a new & rejuvenated person in all my relationships & with the Lord. instead, i had one of the hardest years of my life. instead, i feel exhausted & burnt out & so completely drained.
so you can see why i've been hesitant to make a new "word" for my year. what's the point even? i feel like when i got to the end of the year, i was disappointed that i wasn't refreshed. i felt like i had set my hopes up too high...what was i THINKING choosing a word like refresh when i was about to have a 2 year old & a baby?! so i decided in my heart that this word thing was just not for me.
and then the holidays came. and after a series of events that led scotty and i to look at each other speechless one day, i realized that i have a lot to learn. there have been very few times in my life that i have been as defeated & deflated as i felt in those moments of silence as scott & i stared at each other trying to make sense of everything that had gone on that particular day. it had nothing to do with our children, it was more about things that were out of our control. but i have been trying to get my feet back on the ground ever since & let me tell you...it has not been easy.
so when i stepped back & really thought about 2013 and where i want to be next december, refreshed was not the word that came to mind. no...the word refreshed makes me now want to throw a shoe at a wall. what really comes to mind is the word growth. what really comes to mind is the word different. what REALLY comes to mind is the word learn.
>>i do not want to end 2013 in the same place i began it.<<
i've got a lot to learn in this little mind & heart of mine.
i need to learn better boundaries.
i need to learn how to be a better friend.
i need to learn how to be a better wife.
i REALLY need to learn how to be a better mom.
and most of all, i need to learn a LOT about the Lord. a LOT.
a few days ago, i was hanging out with one of my dearest friends. she lives out of state now and was here visiting her family. my friend has three children. and two of them were born really, really close to miles & cammie. and i have always known she is the kind of mom i want to be. but when i was there, i saw her in action & just observed every little last thing. and the way she spoke to her children - in this gentle, yet firm discipline - made me stand back in awe. and i kept my mouth shut the whole time i was there about it. but i kept watching everything. how she responded to her children & how her children responded to her. when she spoke, they obeyed.
when i got home, i immediately texted her several questions. and instead of responding with, "my kids have never been hard for me" like so many people do (which is the absolute HARDEST thing for me to hear in this stage of life), she responded to my questions with clarity & confidence. and for once, i felt like, "i CAN do this." and i can. i CAN learn how to have better boundaries. i CAN learn how to be a better mom, wife, friend. i CAN learn & soak up everything i need to about the Lord & where he has me right now. i CAN.
i have a deep desire in my heart to not only be the kind of mom that my friend is, but the kind of person that her children are. and i feel a tugging from the Lord - that he wants to teach me things. lots of things. life-changing things. and the only way that i will learn these things is in my response to him. he is a gentle, loving God - and i know he wants to gently teach me so much. and i want to be obedient to his probing. to his instruction. to his Word.
i truly believe that learning produces confidence.
because when you really learn what 2+2 equals, you don't forget it.
when you learn how to spell d-o-g, you know it. you're confident in it.
and i believe that if i choose to glean all the wisdom i can this year,
i can end 2013 a different person than who i started 2013 being -
and staying exactly where the Light is every second of the way.
so that's what i'm going to do. and that is my word for this year: learn.
...i feel like i can't go wrong with that word, right? RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!