Wednesday, August 7, 2013

here.

there has been a wrestling inside my heart for the last few weeks.
i'm not really sure how to describe it. the first word that comes to mind is...grumpy.
i just walked past the mirror in the bathroom and my hair was shooting in every direction.
and i could see the bags under my eyes from down the hall, if you will.
no clinique concealer corrects those bad boys.

i have tried to blame it on the heat.
we've had one of the hottest summers here that we've had in a long time.
and my kids overheat in less than 10 minutes.
not to mention that someone is always climbing on something they shouldn't be climbing on.
so most days, outside is only an option for a little bit. and inside, everyone goes stir crazy.
lose-lose.

i have tried to blame it on the fact that scott's job has been so crazy this summer.
they were estimating the biggest job they've ever bid.
so he was working some crazy hours for a good 2 months and brought home a lot of stress with him.
not his fault - he's one of the hardest workers i know and never complains about it.
but add that to extreme heat & bored kids and i was fleeing the room as soon as scooter walked in the door.


for some reason, this season has made me long for something different.
and there are days where i'm desperate.
"if only i lived by my mom & sis, i could have a break every once in a while & live by my family."
and then for a week, i beg scott to move until he literally says, "there's just no way, katy. stop asking."
so then i move on to "if only my kids were out of this phase."
and then i spend a week longing for them to be older so they would understand more.
and in return, i could sit down more.

and when i'm longing for something different in those areas, i start longing for other things to be different.
so i text my hair dresser. "are you SURE you like my bangs? are you SURE i shouldn't be blonde again?"
or heathergirl. "do you think i should paint this?" "do you like this wall still?"
or my sister. "should i get different jean shorts?" "do i need a black arm party?"
a lot of days, i just feel like it would be better to just keep to myself. no one needs my grumpy attitude.
no one needs my grumpy cattitude, either. it stresses meowt.


its almost like i would rather be anywhere but here.
not physically here. just altogether here.
this place that lacks contentment.
this place that lacks trusting God with where i'm at.

we've been singing this song at church lately.
it is a beautiful song. the words are pretty. the music is powerful.
you really feel "in the moment" when you sing it. i love those kinds of songs.
i love how they stick in your head for days after you sing it.
i ended up buying the album because we sing several songs on it & i just really love them all.

yesterday, i was driving my orders to the usps and was stopped at a stoplight and the song came on.
the first line says, "there's no place i'd rather be."
and i got choked up. right away. it was hard to stop the tears from spilling onto my cheeks.
because like i've said, i can think of a lot of physical places, emotional places, & even spiritual places that i'd rather be than here.
but i kept listening. because they keep singing the same line.

here. have a listen (it starts at 0:16):



i realized that my problem is NOT that i long for different days.
my problem is that i'm not okay with today.
my problem is that i am not letting God be the only place where everything is right.
it doesn't change that next week will be over 100 degrees again.
or that my mom will still be 4 hours away.
or that i will still have to get up and chase a child down the hall every time i finally sit down.

but when i think about my life - when i really ponder each day - there really isn't any place i'd rather be than with the Lord.
when my heart is on fire for him - a fire that can't be contained or controlled - life becomes content - no matter the circumstances.
there may be things that i don't understand. or situations that i can't change.

but really - in my heart of hearts - there is no place i'd rather be than in his love.
when i set my focus on that, so much becomes more easier and more manageable.
i don't think each day will be grumpy & cattitude free.
i don't think the heat will change or time outs will stop.
i don't think missing my mom & sister will stop either.
but i do think that when i change perspective to really surrendering and wanting to be where God has me,
life looks different. it feels different, too.

i want more of Him & less of me.
that is really the place i want to live.

18 comments:

  1. I am loving that song at church too! This has been a long summer/season for me too i keep praying God would revive my heart to just rest in him and have joy but it is tough

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  2. oh, i so get this. i could have written this. i could have written it when my kids were your kid's ages and i could write it now when they are 6 & 8... for completely different reasons... but the feelings and thoughts are the same.
    thanks for your honesty and for sharing. XO

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  3. ok my computer is back online.

    i love love love that song.

    i can soooo relate with how you have been feeling(except that i don't want to move;). but just general lack of contentment and restless soul.

    wish i could make it even a little better for ya.

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  4. You put words to the same thing that I have been feeling in my own spirit. I literally cried though the whole thing. "That's it" is what I kept thinking. And I looooove that song.
    Love you, girl. You nailed it with this one.

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  5. yes, yes, yes. so beautifully put. thanks for sharing, katy. your heart is beautiful. :)

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  6. you have such a beautiful soul, katy.
    thank you for sharing this amazing song.
    and thank you for sharing what so many of us are often feeling, too.

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  7. Amen. Hugs and hugs to you. Set a fire in our soul. Get ready. He's comin'.

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  8. Well I was supposed to get on here to send invoices, but I came across this instead. I feel you, sister. Every word of this is me & it all keeps coming up. I wanna be HERE. Thanks for sharing. It's always good knowing we aren't alone & others are fighting with us.

    Also, you said CATTITUDE.

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  9. I hear you.
    I there too.
    I want more of Him and less of Me.

    And less of Susie. and Sally. Or both.

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  10. I can absolutely relate to each and every word. I pray God reveals His peace to you in this area. This line hit me most...my problem is that i am not letting God be the only place where everything is right. Amen!

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  11. Wish I could say I can't relate but MAN I can relate. To every word sis. But you know that. God isn't finished with us yet. xo

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  12. Me too girl. I love your transparency Katy. Thanks for putting life into perspective for me...the summer days are long and it's easy to lose sight of what really matters, God has us exactly where he wants us at this very moment.
    xxO

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  13. good song! never heard it before.
    hugs friend. far away hugs.
    (maybe a few new white chairs will make it better?) ;)

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  14. i know i say this all the time, but this is so good.
    your words were spot on and i found myself nodding my head in agreement with every one of them.
    xo


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  15. "my problem is that i am not letting God be the only place where everything is right."

    A to the Men, Sister.

    xo

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  16. katy.
    i think you said it yourself. well, gk chesterton said it through you.
    you see great things in the valley, girl.

    i know you are seeing them.
    He is big. And causing you to lean into Him.
    Best blessing of all.

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  17. oh. i love all of this. my husband leads worship and he rocks that song...one of my favs.

    this good stuff. good stuff.

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  18. I love how sitting on my couch all discontent (though blessed beyond anything I could imagine) I come across this post. Thank you for writing from your heart, for it speaks to people from His.

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