Tuesday, February 11, 2014

taking the band-aids off.

miles fell last week.
it wasn't bad. just a flesh wound.
in fact, i thought he was being sorta dramatic until i remembered that cuts on the palms of your hands actually really do hurt.
and in all honesty, i had bought him new batman band-aids the day before,
so i think he was more excited to get to wear one than anything else really.
in fact, he was so excited that he wanted his "wound" bandaged about 5 times a day.
i happily obliged because, hey, a $2 box of band-aids buys a lot of happiness, you know?


but then after about 5 days of changing the band-aid 87 times an hour, i started to realize the cut wasn't really healing.
at around 5pm last friday, he came to me to asking for another batmobile slapped on his palm,
and i thought for a second and then said, "hey bud, i think you're good! i think batman needs to spread his cape and fly."
and of course, that did not make him happy anymore. those batman band-aids are addicting, if you will.
he became very persistent with his questions, but i stuck to my answer.
and when scott came home an hour later, he went to scott and asked him for a band-aid as well.
surprisingly, without even knowing what my answer had been, his answer was the same.
"buddy, your cut's not gonna heal unless you get some air in there. you gotta air that bad boy out!"

it has really got me thinking the last few days about wounds and band-aids.
maybe part of it is because i feel like this batman fiasco will leave me picking up band-aid wrappers for the rest of my life.
or maybe it is because i feel like there are lots of days where i slap a band-aid on an issue and never really fully let it air out and heal.
i would say the answer is a little bit of both.


the deal is that 2013 was, in a lot of ways, a very healing year for me.
you know, i said last january that i was going to take the year and just strive to learn as much as i could.
i think there was so much bottled up in my little heart - so much insecurity and so little confidence - that it just seeped out into so many different areas of life....my parenting, my appearance, my friendships, my marriage.
i don't really think i knew how insecure i really was until i could step away from it.
over the last year, i have really worked on issues in my heart that caused such insecurity.
i grew, i changed, i healed in a lot of ways.
i felt like my wounds aired out.



but the funny thing about insecurities.....they can find their way back.
and if you're (i'm) not careful, they can take over again.
and even if you lose 40 pounds in a year, you can still feel insecure about your body.
and even if you work really hard on your parenting, you can still make rather large mistakes and feel like you're failing in every area.
even when you learn a ton about designing and you feel like you've accomplished so much in so little,
you can still feel like everyone else is better than you.


it happens when you slap a band-aid on a wound that pops back up.
i know. i did it for the last month. every day, every minute.
i just slapped a band-aid on these nagging feelings and hoped they would just go away.
(i probably would choose a princess band-aid though.)
then one day, after a long drive and a lot of tears, i decided enough was enough.
and that my insecurities, my wounds, needed to be aired out.
i needed to get control of these parenting mistakes.
i needed to get control of these strange insecurities that pop up telling me i'm not a good enough mother,
i'm not a good enough designer, i'm not skinny enough or pretty enough or anything else this sick world tries to tell us.

and that's where i'm at now.
i ripped the band-aid off these issues and i'm letting them heal.
with time, with hard work, with lots and lots of prayer.
my heart is just airing out. getting stronger and more confident in who i am again.
months like i just had can take it's toll on a person. and it is hard to not to let them take over.
but i'm choosing to take these issues captive. they will not win.


yesterday, miles came to me and said, "mommy, where's my cut?"
he was looking at his hand in confusion.
and i smiled and said, "miles! it healed. it's all gone!"
and inside, i smiled too. because i know my little "heart cuts" will be gone as well.
they just need a little bit of air.

12 comments:

  1. So beautifully written! I totally enjoy reading your blog. The insight you offer is so real.

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  2. katy. i wish you would write a book.

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  3. beautiful, katy. your words. & you. xo

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  4. SUCH a great post! I really needed to hear this. I've been feeling this coming for a while and I've put it off for so long, but you've inspired me to do some airing out, myself. Thank you for your honest words, Katy, I am very grateful!

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  5. Gosh Katy, that was so beautifully said and it's like you were speaking directly to me. I have dealt with self-confidence issues all of my life and they finally came to head last fall. I am now with a wonderful Christian counselor who is helping me sort through it all. I still have really bad days, but I have good days too. One of the best things she has told me is to surround myself with the Truth. Deal with my lies with the Truth. And I 'm talking to the Lord on a constant basis. This has helped me tremendously, as it sounds like it has you. Ever since I found your blog I have felt a connection with you, we have a lot of similarities in our stories, from what I've read. I will be praying for you! :) And by the way, I think you are an AWESOME designer and so do all my friends and family whom I send your awesome notecards to!! Don't sell yourself short. Thanks for sharing.

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  6. Holy smokes. You reflect so beautifully. I could just keep reading and reading and reading. Especially if I got to see those cutie patooties every few paragraphs...Thanks Katy...I love your heart.

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  7. Katy, you are a beautiful writer - a daughter any mother would wish was their's, and I am happy and proud to have the privilege to say you're mine. You are a wonderful mama, design beautifully, get more beautiful looking every minute, but even more beautiful inside every second and that's what counts. We learn from our mistakes babe, good thing you make them so God can continue to mold you and you can become all He wants you to be. I love you just the way you are. (Wait, isn't that a song???!!!)

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  8. Dang, girl. This is no small thing. I need this in a big way. It turns out, hiding out isn't getting any easier.
    You are phenomenal mom, you know that?

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  9. Dang. This was good stuff. I think it is good to see and recognize these areas in our life so we can grow and lean more on God in our areas of weakness.

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  10. Wish we could sit down for a few hours and talk about this. Crazy to me how parallel our lives have been in so many ways.

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